I can't believe it has been a week since I last posted! So much has happened! My 48th Birthday, a son diagnosed with Scoliosis, and my oldest son diagnosed with Lyme's Disease. To whom do I forward the request to SLOW THIS TRAIN DOWN!!!!?
On the other hand, God created us with a great capacity to handle things and still be "mulling" at the same time. I should take a moment to state that I use my "mulling" time far less efficiently than I should. Usually I'm having imaginary conversations in which my logic is irrefutable, and my aggravations are expressed in such a way as the imaginary listener knows EXACTLY how wrong they've been, how deeply they've hurt me, how sorry they are and then all is well. (Before the "all is well" part, I usually start to feel guilty and try to segue into prayer...but it's a hard shift to make because I've been center stage for whole minutes at a time by this point!)
Anyway, back to the "mulling". I've been thinking about what we, as wives, want more than anything. Most of us would say that to be the center of our husband's lives would solve a whole heck of a lot of problems. To know where we stand, and to know that the place we have in their hearts and minds is at the top of the list. This is not something we feel very often. From wedding plans to setting up house to babies, teens and married children...I think we feel (accurately) that our husbands are content to let us plan, meddle, discipline, teach, cook and enjoy family life. Their role is to provide the infrastructure and solve problems that may arise with that infrastructure. They need a place for themselves to come home to ...but a place that is kept at a bit of a distance. They watch while we live. I think what they see is often bewildering to them, but deep down they know that the home is essential to the earth spinning in orbit, and equally essential to them getting supper at a decent hour! Something I admire about men is that they are, for the most part, willing to be bewildered by us. They see us as enigmas that do not need to be solved by them.
As women, we tend to see our husbands as puzzles that need solving, and WE are the ones to do it! ( I laugh as I write this, knowing how perfect my husband could be if he'd just let me get to work!) I always start with the edges, but if my eye catches an easy section, I may switch over to that for a little while, and if I see someone else working on a different section, I may just look for a piece or two for them...We see it all, the whole picture, complete with no pieces missing. We know how it needs to fit together. However, and here is the hard part...Most men don't even LIKE puzzles!
So what do I do with this heart that aches to fit close to the heart of another? This need to know that my emotional home is as dear to my husband as it is to me? How do I get past the suspicion that the love I need and want is not within the heart of my husband to give? What I need and want is a very good thing. We were created out of Love to live for all eternity in Love. The holes we feel inside are to be filled, absolutely by Love. It is also true that this Love can only be given by one Man...but that Man is Jesus.
There may come a day when my husband looks at me with his heart in his eyes and his lips filled with joy that we have been granted this life together. But I'm not counting on it! My Challenge: Remain so open to the love of Christ that I can "laugh at the days to come", love my husband through grumpiness, even rudeness. Be grateful to him for the sacrifices he makes in order for our home to be Our Home... and treasure the moments in which he chooses to "drop in" for a little while. I suspect that as we grow older and the children move away, this dynamic changes and the "dropping in" turns to far more "extended visits"....but for now he's busy hunting and gathering, protecting and fighting for us as best he knows how. May he always find the fire warm when he comes home.
I'm not sure this is the most satisfying mulling I've done in my life...but it'll do for now!