The dreaded Telegram

    Not too long ago, one of the most difficult "surprises" to endure was the doorbell ringing, a telegram awaiting on the other side.  We see it in movies and read about it in books.  Someone died or is missing in action.  Someone we love, or at the very least need.  The telegram was a communication that had to be encountered and demanded a response of some kind. In many ways, it seemed cruel and  dispassionate.  But it got the job done, and the life that was changed was forced to move on in whatever way was chosen.
    For those of us who struggle enough in our marriages that we seek outside council, the first piece of advice we are given is ALWAYS..."Well, you need to talk about it."  There are all kinds of "rules" to "talking about it"...and we listen respectfully, because we know that this kind of advice is helpful to many.  We also know that we have not been sitting on our duffs for so many years attempting nothing in the way of communication.  For many of us, our spouses view communication as a dreaded telegram.  Something to be gotten through as quickly as possible.  If the news is bad, there's going to be yelling, blaming, deflecting, etc.  And "We need to talk..." almost ALWAYS involves bad news.
  So here's my take on the necessary aspect of communication in marriage.  Again, this is for those who are valiantly striving towards the goal of a good marriage, but doing so with a different tool box than many wives seem to have.  I advise a love triangle.  Our communication needs to be daily, even hourly made with our Lord.  He handles bad news as graciously and lovingly as good news (and he likes them both!).  He is able to listen to ALL our words without being burdened or threatened. 
Hmm...this brings up a side note.  I love the writings of C.S. Lewis.  In his novel That Hideous Strength, two younger wives are fussing about how their husbands don't listen to them when they talk.  Mrs. Dimble, older and wiser replies:  " ...did it ever come into your mind to ask whether anyone could listen to all we say?"  We, as women, often think in words.  I know that sounds silly...but we're chattering to ourselves in our heads, and often out of our mouths.  Perhaps we should be content with that, and not expect others to keep up!  End of the side note! 
    As I was saying before I chattered an interruption, I've come to believe that the bulk of communication that needs to happen in a marriage, needs to happen with Christ first.  If HE wants me to speak of something with my husband, I will know it.  Too often my EGO needs to be championed, and I speak out of that need, rather than humbly submitting my hurt to the Lord.   The most important communication I can have with my spouse is to communicate the unconditional love of God for him that is hopefully growing within me.  He is a Prince in the heart of God.  Even an unbeliever is an intentional creation of the heavenly Father.  Am I able to effectively telegram this message to him, even on "the bad" days? It is the most important communique I can offer.    

Another's Wounds

I'm determined to write a minimum of once a week on this blog...but this day is difficult.  There are so many things running through my mind and heart.  Sometimes we find ourselves the witness to wounds that cannot be bound up.  There is no oil that can be applied, no bandage that would be adequate.  There is simply the expanse of time to offer.  Time that is not only disinterested, but seems to mock us with it's snail-paced method of healing.  Life simply hurts sometimes.  

   There IS something to do.  It is quiet.  No one needs to know, and it is a method available to us at all times.  We pray.  We pray.  We pray.  To verbally try to come up with answers and a plan of action would not only be annoying, it may also be counter to the will of God.  So little is imposed and yet so much can be done within the quiet that prayer allows...both for those we lift up in prayer as well as in dealing with our own sense of inadequacy in the face of a loved one's woundedness. 

   This day let us pray.  And be still and wait.  God hears.  He will answer us in ways we can neither dream of or imagine. 

Dieting

    With the New Year comes a rehashed resolution...probably something I've "put on THE LIST" every year since I was 12.  Lose some weight!  Lose LOTS of weight!  Become healthy and strong.  That's more important than wanting something cheesy, or "needing" some chocolate, right?  So...here we go again.  

     This time there is a difference.  I have guide...a book recommended to one of my sons by his doctor.  I have the support and company of my family.  They are all eating what I make available, and exercising to boot.  Everything I own that is a dairy product, all bread, all alcohol, all junk food, all refined sugar is now residing in the cold room we have in the basement.  I've included processed food as well (except for frozen fruits and vegetables.)  Could this be the year my resolution comes through?  I don't know, I surely hope so.  But all this change has brought about some thoughts about marriage.

     For over 20 years I've been cooking the same way.  Because of some physical problems, attempts at exercising have usually fallen flat after a few weeks, so my muscles hardly know what exertion means.  Now, overnight, (we started this on the 3rd of January), the cells in my body are completely bewildered...and letting me know about it.  My muscles hurt.  My appetite tells me the meal isn't complete without a piece of bread or cheese.  My brain seems consumed with the subject of food...no matter how I try to refocus on something else.  The sacrifices seem gargantuan.  By the end of the week I should be thin!

     Well...of course I'm not.  I should be overjoyed that I've lost 4 pounds in a week.  But I feel weary looking into the cheeseless abyss of my future, and my need to loose 20 times that amount.  (OK, cheese is allowed after the first 12 days, but I'm nervous about overdoing it since it's such a big part of my happiness.  ...and that's a confession if ever I heard one...)

   So it goes with marriage.  For over twenty years I've functioned more or less the same way.  It took me a long time to see that my "victim status" was helpful to neither my husband nor myself.  Only within the last few years have I realized that my role in the marriage is to do more than simply "react", but More must always be motivated by Godly love.  As I realize truths such as these, I want to see immediate results.  I want to be blissfully happy today, and not have to go through years of focused spiritual muscle building, eliptical praying, stair-master openness to the Will of God and calorie counting sacrifice.  I want to arrive without the journey. 

   But this journey is different.  I have a guide...a Book my parents taught me to read when I was a little girl, but is only now becoming a rich source of daily spiritual nutrition to me.  I have the support and company of a friend who wants to effect change in her own marriage...loosing the old junk food patterns of blame and gossip, and picking up the challenge to love with all the strength God gives us, even when there seems to be little or no reward.  If my "marriage joints and tendons" are sore, it's because I'm using them.  And the only way for them to stop hurting is for me to continue on, to never give up.  

   I should add that the diet, after the first 12 days, admonishes a complete rest every 7th day.  If I want a slice of chocolate cake, I can have one, with this exception:  I need to make each bite, a FIRST bite.  Truly appreciate what I'm enjoying!  So to with our marriages.  God grants us Sabbaths...and we need to recognize them and appreciate them when they come by simply enjoying our husbands and children and all the flavor they bring into our lives. 

     Challenge for today:  Make each event this day be a "first bite" of enjoyment, with every member of my family.  They are so very wonderful! (better than cake!)